Are Childfree Adults Happier Than Parents? by Dr. Ellen Walker
Are you on the fence about whether or not to become a parent? For many years, I was in the same position. At age 45, I met my husband who already had grown children and didn’t want another child. I was at peace with the idea that I would not have children–and then babylust struck me. For the first time, I began to question my decision not to have children, and I wondered if I’d made a huge mistake. I had created a rich and busy life for myself with my clinical psychology practice, my dog Bella, and lots of friends and activities—and now, my marriage–but did I truly believe that life could be rich, full, and satisfying without kids? As I began to contemplate my personal experience and to ask others about theirs, my book, Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or By Chance started to take shape.
Media and society has long sent out the message that life is not complete without a little one underfoot: that couples and singles who don’t have kids struggle with loneliness, boredom, and lack of direction in their lives.
THE TRUTH: Twenty plus years of research indicates that childfree adults are happier, on the whole, than their peers who are parents. Let’s look at a few reasons why…
Not Enough Time In The Day.
Parents spend an average of 8 hours a day on parent-related tasks.
Parents are stressed by lack of their own time, feeling spread too thin by demands of daily living and their responsibilities to children, lack of sleep, and lack of couple time. If you consider the ingredients of life satisfaction and happiness, they include basics such as time for hobbies, rest, exercise, relationships, and career developoment. So, it makes sense after all that if a person lacks the time for these basics, their overall life satisfaction and happiness will decline. If a parent works a full day and then comes home and puts in another full day on parenting tasks, there aren’t many hours left for anything else. What is likely to be sacrificed is sleep, couple time, friendships, and leisure pursuits. My own life, as a childfree adult, is quite a different story. After a full day at the office, I come home and go for a long walk or a run, play with my dogs, and do a few chores. One of my passions is cooking, and I can be found in my kitchen almost every night of the week preparing a wonderful meal. Just having myself to take care of, I’m able to come home from work and bake a cake, make homemade pasta, or create a pot of chicken soup for the next day’s lunch. I know myself well enough to know that daily time to engage in my favority hobbies adds to my personal happiness. Like cooking restores me, so does reading before bed. If I didn’t have time to read before bed each night, because I was doing loads of laundry, keeping up with and cleaning up a zillion toys, or packing kid’s school lunches, I know I would feel mentally adrift. And let’s talk about getting a good night’s sleep…I try to get eight hours of sleep every night so that I’m ready for the day ahead. Plus, I’m one of those people who highly values an uninterrupted nigh’s sleep, which I know wouldn’t be possible if I were a mom. My job as a psychologist simply couldn’t be done well if I weren’t rested and ready to give my full attentionn to each patient during the day.
I’ll be honest, even not being a mom, I sometimes feel that at the end of the day, there is still a lot left to do on my list, so it’s hard for me to imagine how I’d add taking care of another human beingn to my already full day. I’d always feel behind the 8 ball.
Better Marital Satisfaction and Mental Health.
Researcher Stephanie Coontz has examined how having children impacts marital satisfaction. Her findings: Marital harmony levels drop significantly after the birth of the first child and peak again once children leave home. Childfree couples who are in agreement with the decision to not have kids are able to plan their lives and can focus time and energy on their relationship, rather than on child rearing. It’s no secret that many couples begin to grow apart after having children, likely due to not haivng time to spend together. I, like so many other women, married my husband because I love to be with him. We don’t have to set aside time for “date night”, because we have date night almost every night of the week. We also have the opportunity to talk through any issues that may arise, rather than having to table them for a time when the children aren’t around.
Data cited by Arthur C. Brooks finds that parents are about 7 percentage points less likely to report being happy than the childless. A recent study conducted by the American Sociological Association concluded that parents are more likely to be depressed than their child free counterparts.
Less Financial Stress and More Discretionary Income.
The most recent data from the US Department of Agriculture show that it costs on average $220,000 to raise a child to the age of 18—not including college costs. I admiringly watch my friends who are parents make many financial sacrifices for their children without hesitance, and it’s understandable that once a child comes along, most parents feel that child is worth every single penny. My position is that, if a person really wants to become a parent, they should make it happen, but they must be aware of the financial implications. On the other hand, if parenting is something you’re ambivalent about, considering the costs is relavent. I know that, because of not becoming a mom, I’ve been able to devote many more hours to my career as a psychologist than have my peers with children—both women and men. New research by Shelley Correll actually showed that women with children were offered substantially lower pay than those who were childfree, and childfree women were called in more often to be interviewed for an open position. Correll also found men and childfree women to have very little wage discrepancy; instead, the earning differences are between mothers and childfree women. In my own life, in addition to being able to earn as much as my male peers, not having kids has meant that I’ve had money for other things, including gifts for relatives, a scholarship fund, and funding my own retirement.
After weighing the pros and cons of what would best suit your lifestyle and happiness, should you choose a childfree future, you won’t be alone. Census data indicate that the percentage of childfree couples has more than doubled since 1960. According to a new study released by the Pew Research Center, 80 percent more women remained childfree by age 44 in 2008 as compared to 1976. And the number of women without biological children is much larger than it once was, with 1.9 million childfree women in 2008, compared with 580,000 in 1976.
For more information on Dr. Walker and her work, visit completewithoutkids.com
